Okay not to be weird but I, as a nonbinary transperson without a penis, don’t know how to have sex, and I feel pretty embarrassed admitting that.
I feel like I missed a memo somewhere, and all queer people seem to know, and are super defensive about it. It’s difficult to get a straight (ha) answer out of even Google. The vast majority of things that discuss queer people and sex at the same time have very unhelpful advice along the lines of: STOP ASKING ABOUT IT YOU CREEP, or are just vague and/or condescending. Which is fair because cishets are creepy, and it is very rarely appropriate or relevant to ask people how they have sex, a question that frequently comes from reducing queer identities to sex acts.
But… queer people who would perhaps like to engage in The Sex need to know, and it wasn’t exactly covered in school, and this overcompensation frequently veers into sex-negative territory? There really doesn’t seem to be a lot of sex-positive material centering non-cis people. So here are some things I have been thinking about.
Firstly, inserting a penis into a vagina is not the only way to have “real” sex. Neither is inserting any A into any B, really. So no, a strap-on isn’t necessarily involved in the absence of insertable phallic parts, unless it is. Yes, oral sex is real sex, fingering, grinding, touching, is real sex, anything you think of as sex definitely “counts” as “real sex”, really really.
It is difficult for me to imagine sex outside of the heteronormative binary script, where there must be one each of masculine/feminine, dominant/submissive, penetrator/penetrated, driving/receptive. Trying to fit myself into these binaries is confusing and impossible and makes me want to give up on sex altogether. Outside of that, I suppose that sex is: people sexually touching each other in pleasurable ways.
Here are the few actually helpful resources that I have found so far and you should def check out
The Body Is Not An Apology- 3 Steps Toward Good Sex Beyond the Binary: Having Sex with a Nonbinary Person, Even When that Person is You, on detaching sex from binary roles and expectations.
Everyday Feminism – Your First Time: A Sexual Guide for Non-Binary People Working Through Trauma, what it says on the tin.
How To Have Lesbian Sex a video series by Stevie Boebi who is amazing and inspiringly positive about her vulva and butt stuff. It says lesbian sex but *shrug*, might be instructive to some non-lesbians.
Trans Sex part of the awesome sex-positive sex ed channel sexplanations by clinical sexologist Dr Lindsey Doe.
Nerve Endings: The New Trans Erotic A collection of 30 stories for, by and about trans people
Having Sex As A Trans Lesbian Riley Dennis! Not all of it is strictly applicable to me, but SO helpful. Just exposure to non-cishet sex ed material chips at the cisheteronormative ideas about sex that I have in my head. Both this and the next video very helpfully emphasise that sex is not limited to penetration, a statement that is becoming more and more obvious to me now.
How Do Transgender People Have Sex video with Chase Ross and Stef Sanjati in which they are helpful and also talk a large amount of entertaining rubbish.
See Also: Ash and Jake talk about queer intimacy, Chase and Stef, and Patch and Ryan discuss sexuality changes during transition, Ryan, Landon and Dani talk about sex before and after coming out to a partner.